You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
