just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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