dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
