Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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