I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
we're so committed to being not committed
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
