Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
