Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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