Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
