at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I love you. Go after that dick
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
