guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
