my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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