My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
