i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize