On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my vagina is haunted
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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