for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
