I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
