No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
