I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
