Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
