My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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