Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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