I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
