someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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