i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
