i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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