if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
