After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
