Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I need to align my fucking chakras
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
