I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
