She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
