So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
