And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
