There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
