sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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