I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
