1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
