you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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