from now on my penis is your penis
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she told me i tasted like america
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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