He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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