I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
