Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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