I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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