I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
