walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
