Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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