Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
bring money and cleavage
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
