and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize