gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
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You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls