I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
