Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
