I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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