just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
