Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
