Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
