I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
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my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
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You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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