bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
