Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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