dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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