Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
