i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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