So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
