If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
