I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
