nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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