Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
