There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
